Kieran's Top 11 Movies of 2012

Hey everybody, Kieran here.
I've been slowly writing another blog post comparing the Pokemon anime to the Pokemon manga, but until that comes out I jotted down my list of the 10 best movies of 2012. Then I added another one.
Obviously, this is my list, and my list only.  When you take a look at it, you might notice some prominent films missing.  It is through that that I cement my street cred as being a preachy, obnoxious film snob that hates mainstream movies.
Also, I have not seen every movie of 2012.  So let me be upfront about that.
I have not seen the Hobbit, Lincoln, Argo, the Life of Pi, Les Miserables, or Django Unchained yet, so I don't know if those would be on this list. So this is just the best of what I've seen. At the end I'll do a quick honorable mentions list just to see what didn't make the list.
Anyway, just sick back, relax, read my list, and prepare your strongly worded emails about how bad my choices are.


11. Cabin in the Woods
Joss Whedon's dissection of horror movies

This movie is the reason this list is 11 movies.  I wanted to include it because I wanted to talk about it, but it wasn't better than my number 10.  Honestly the reason this list is 11 movies because there are exactly 11 movies that I thought were good.

So what's this movie about? Honestly, I can't say much without giving everything away.  After the first few minutes you'll think you're watching the wrong movie.

As its name implies, it's basically your standard horror movie about a cabin in the woods.  A bunch of college students go there, and stuff eventually starts attacking them.  The question is why?  Why are all of these movies always the same?  This movie tries to find explanations to all of the weird cliches of the horror movie genre, and it does a pretty entertaining job of it.

This movie would be a lot higher, but the characters are sorta bland.  I mean, the point of the movie is to make them a little bland, but I think they took it a bit far.

And to all the ladies out there: Yes, *sigh* Chris Hemsworth is in this movie

Oh, by the way. This movie earns brownie points for introducing one of the coolest melee weapons I've ever seen: a gigantic bear-trap on the end of a chain.

10. The Dark Knight Rises
.....meh.

Yeah, I didn't like this movie all that much, and it only barely beats Cabin in the Woods for me. I'll actually go on the record and say that Batman Begins is my favorite of the new Batman movies.  It's the simplest of the movies, and I actually think it has a fairly cohesive story that doesn't try to be everywhere at once.  While Heath Ledger is amazing and everything, I think the Dark Knight is insanely cluttered, and just sorta fizzles out in the end.  Two-Face was also really rushed, and I didn't really believe that Rachel dying would make Harvey that crazy.

Stop me if I'm wrong, but I believe Nassim thought one of this movie's main problems was the message Bane was preaching.  I think this movie's problem was that it was preachy at all.  It's a Batman movie guys.  I want to see Batman do cool shit.  I don't want 2.5 hours of philosophy from a summer action movie.  Seriously, this movie (and to a lesser extent the Dark Knight as well) get so fucking bogged down in symbolism and messages that they forget to be Superhero movies.  It's the same problem as the Matrix Reloaded.  There was some genuine good stuff there, but there was way too much talking.

Obviously this movie wasn't all bad.  Catwoman was the highlight.  Anne Hathaway stole every scene she was in and made every person that was skeptical about her casting eat their words.  I also liked that she was never referred to as Catwoman.  The end with Talia was also pretty cool, and I like that Scarecrow made it into all 3 movies.  Also, the weird prison being a metaphor for the well at the start of the first Batman movie was pretty awesome.

Maybe my expectations were just too high. I don't know.  Batman Begins had a message too, and it was pretty downplayed.  I guess if a movie is going to have symbols, you don't need to shove them down the audience's throats.

Oh, and what the fuck was with Bruce being crippled and needing a cane? I get that would probably be a result of the last movie, but he just puts on a knee brace and then he's back to jumping off rooftops? And he gets his back snapped fighting Bane, but I guess he can just shrug that off too.

And the ending. Oh god the ending.  Let's not get into how Bruce used the auto-pilot to save his own life, which makes his sacrifice a tad meaningless, or how illogical it is that he escaped the radius of the bomb which was several miles, when he only had a few seconds left, or how much fallout there would have been anyway.
Instead, let's cut right to the other ending, where Robin John Blake is given the batsuit.  I've already made this point many times, but what was the point of that? Is he supposed to go fight crime now?  He's just a cop.  He has none of the martial arts training Batman does, he isn't an olympic level athlete, he isn't a supergenius, and he isn't a billionaire.  He just has the suit.  If he were to go and fight crime as Batman, or Nightwing as some people are theorizing, he'd get killed.

It would be like that scene in Kickass where he gets stabbed 

and run over by a car the first time he tries doing something.

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9. Chronicle
I actually bought this movie recently for like 4 dollars in a bargain bin. Score.

Chronicle is one of the underappreciated movies of 2012.  It's about 3 highschoolers who come into contact with some weird stuff that never gets explained (rightfully so), and develop telekinesis.
The main character comes from an abusive household, and he eventually snaps and uses his new found telekinetic powers to get revenge on those who wronged him. Does that remind you of anything?

This is basically the same plot as Matilda.

This is also one of those found footage movies, like Cloverfield, where they're videotaping everything that's happening to them, and we're watching a compilation of the tapes.  This works well for a lot of scenes, where they're practicing their powers and it makes sense that they would want to document all of this, but for most of the movie, it's just weird.  They explain quickly that the main character bought a camera and he just wants to start filming everything, or something, and people constantly tell him how fucking weird that is.  Honestly, this movie should not have been found footage. It should have just been a normal movie.

But I highly recommend this movie.  It's not often that they make a movie about an adolescent boy who acquires superpowers, loses his mind, and then slowly becomes a supervillain.

Every bullied kid's wet dream

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8. ParaNorman
The movie no one saw.


I fucking loved this movie.  I had low expectations going in, but it really impressed me.  It's made by the people who made Coraline, which I didn't really like all that much. But let me tell you, they got their shit together on this one.

This movie is done with a combination of stop motion animation, and CG.  It's fucking beautiful to just sit and watch, even if you don't care about amazing aesthetics.

The plot is pretty standard.  The main character, Norman, can see and talk to ghosts.  Everyone thinks he's crazy.  But he's the only one who can see the omens that the dead are about to rise from their graves.  I just think it was very well executed, and it didn't get too preachy.  There's a really great chase sequence, hilarious one liners, and some crazy zombie antics.  It's a kid's movie that adults will like as well.  Actually, its the perfect movie for if you need a kid's movie but you want to laugh more than the kid does, because a lotttt of these jokes will go over the kid's head. It's very sarcastic.

Now while I do think this movie kicked major ass, it's not a big surprise why most people didn't see it.  It's just kinda generic.  Even I don't know how I would advertise this movie.

It also came out the same year as Tim Burton's Frankenweenie.  

Honestly, for the longest time, I thought these were the same movie.

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7. Safety not Guaranteed
The only independent film on this list.

The inspiration for Safety not Guaranteed came from a real life classified ad.  Take a look, it was a really in a newspaper a few years back.

The screenwriter thought this was hilarious, so he wrote a script around a fictionalized version of the guy who wrote it.

Mark Duplass plays Kenneth, a guy who genuinely believes he has a method for traveling through time, and is looking for someone to go with him.  Aubrey Plaza plays an intern at a magazine.  She was sent by the magazine to pretend to answer the classified ad, all just to get material to eventually write an article making fun of him.  But obviously that isn't what happens.

Mark Duplass is fantastic, and kudos to the costume designers for giving him a denim jacket.  I think it really adds a lot to his character.

He's this paranoid supermarket clerk who is proficient in martial arts and firearms (or at least he thinks he is) and believes he can travel through time. So they gave him a terrible looking jean jacket that he wears pretty often.  It's these little touches that make the movie.  Oh god, I just realized he's sorta like Dwight from the Office, only kinda charming. 

Aubrey Plaza is good too.

There are some other characters, 2 other guys from the magazine, and they have their own little sideplots.  They're not that interesting, and they sorta distract from the main focus, but I get why they're there.

So is Kenneth crazy?
Does he actually have a way to travel through time?
And why does he want to go back in time anyway?
And why does he want someone to go with him?
Just go watching the fucking movie. It's pretty good.

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6. Ted
I hate Family Guy, and even I think this is one of the funniest movies of all time


I laughed. A lot. Last time I checked, that's what comedies were supposed to do.
I don't have that much to say, other than the fact that Seth Macfarlene does occasionally impress me.

And it's honestly more complex than I thought it would be going in.
And you know what? This is my goddamn list so I'll do what I want.

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5. Skyfall
It's about damn time.



I would like to start by saying I hated Casino Royale and Quantum of Solace.  They were made in a time when the Jason Bourne movies are what people wanted to see, and they forgot that isn't what makes Bond great.  They were both incoherent messes.  I have no idea what Quantum of Solace was supposed to be about, which isn't a problem, since audiences hated it so much that the studio just wants us all to forget about it completely.  I understand the plot of Casino Royale as much as is humanly possible, but I still think it's dumb as fuck.  

Here's a good explanation why

I liked Skyfall for 2 main reasons.

1.  It had all the charm from the old Sean Connery movies.  If you're competing with other action movies, you don't do that by copying them.  You do what only you can do, and you do it better.  A lot of the fun of James Bond is the tuxedo, and the hitting on women, and the casual sex with them.  Those are what Jason Bourne doesn't do.  Yes I know the other Daniel Craig movies tried to do that, but I think this one did it better.  

2.  I liked that everything was realistic.  Not insanely realistic, but realistic enough.  And I'm not just talking about getting rid of the silly gadgets from the Roger Moore days.

They took the old James Bond character, and gave him all the same traits as always.

 

He does this.

And this.

                                               

And also this.

But what this movie did different was that it showed what would actually happen to someone who lives this lifestyle.  If James Bond was real, he'd be a raging alcoholic who always thinks the solution to his problems is at the bottom of a bottle.  His eyes would be red, he would always have a hangover, he would probably suffer from some severe PTSD, and he'd be a borderline sex addict.  He'd be a nervous wreck who would barely be able to walk across the room considering the amount of physical punishment he's experienced.  He'd also probably be deaf in both ears.  A lot of this would have been funny if the movie was a comedy, but it isn't.  Obviously the movie doesn't show us the full extent of the consequences of this life, but it offers a brief glimpse into James Bond's soul.  It's a sad movie about a depressed, lonely, middle aged man who just can't stop everything from falling apart around him, and it's still a James Bond movie.

And I think that's awesome.

  

I have a few complaints with the movie, like showing that the name he was born with was James Bond, which torpedoes the fan theory that James Bond is a code name passed down to each 007 agent.

Oh, and the villain was only alright.

But overall this is a really fun movie that bathes just enough in the nostalgia value.  The scene with Q was great, and the bit with the car and the old music, and let's not forget the opening credits which was done very classic James Bond style.  Oh, and Moneypenny.  I think this movie was exactly what the franchise needed, and what Casino Royale should have been.

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4. The Avengers
Suck it DC!!!


This movie has a ton of problems. The first 15 minutes are fucking terrible. They really are.  But then we get treated to some amazing chemistry between all the actors.  One of the best parts of this movie was seeing all of the different personalities interact.  Who's friends with who, who disagrees with who, etc.  I love that Tony Stark and Bruce Banner are friends, even though Tony is that asshole friend who purposely tries to push all your buttons. It makes sense that Iron Man and Thor would start fighting, and that Cap would have to break them up.

This movie also solidifies something I figured out a few years back.  Movie audiences have ridiculous retroactive interference.  They literally have no memory of what they sat through when leaving the theater.  All they remember are the last 20 minutes. Seriously. This was pointed out in Adaptation, but I figured this shit out a few years before seeing that.  It's why the Phantom Menace is liked by a lot of people.  There's a pretty cool lightsaber fight at the end.  It doesn't matter how much boring political dialogue about tariffs and treaties and blockades and votes of no confidence we have to sit through.  You tack on a lightsaber fight at the end and audiences will love it.
This movie takes that principle to the nth degree.

I think this movie has one of the best 3rd acts in motion picture history.  The 3rd act (the fight in the city) is like 30 minutes long, and it's everything comic book nerds have always wanted.  The Avengers fought together as a team, and it was awesome.  Iron Man was flying around shooting lasers, Thor shot lightning, Captain America fought enemies one at a time on the ground, and the Hulk just bashed into everything.  It was just so perfect.

In the end, Joss Whedon made a very self aware movie. He knew the purpose of this movie. The purpose of this movie is that first shot where they're all standing together. The rest of it was just buildup and aftermath. He wasn't trying to send a message. He didn't have any symbolism. That's because Joss thinks some movies should just be entertainment.

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3. Looper
Our generation's Back to the Future


What do you get when you combine Joseph Gordon Levitt with Bruce Willis and a solid script about time travel? About 166 million dollars worldwide.  As most people will point out, the best part of this movie is the scene at the diner where Bruce Willis explains how time travel works.  Or he explains why he isn't going to explain it. This was telling movie audiences to sit down, shut up, and just enjoy the damn movie. In case you didn't notice this with my thoughts on the Avengers, but I really like movies that are self aware and just try to run with it and be entertaining.

I feel like I sorta have to bring up, the whole makeup thing to make them look more similar.

yikes

I get why they did it.  The two main actors look nothing alike. The makeup on JGL was pretty distracting though.

This probably would have been my number 2, but I think it loses a bit of steam later on. I'm honestly just not a huge fan of the reveal of "the Rainmaker".  I was kinda hoping it would be someone else. I also think the whole telekinesis thing came out of nowhere.  I know, I know, they set up telekinetics at the very start, but barely. It felt like they were changing genres.

I guess this part felt a little M Night Shamlyan to me.

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2. Wreck-It Ralph
I teared up a little towards the end.



Considering Disney now owns Star Wars and Marvel, it's nice to know they can still bring it to the table once in a while. They needed this to remind people that they are still a leading force in the industry, as a follow-up to Tangled.  This is also the first time I think Disney actually beat Pixar, as Brave was their movie this year.  I'll go more into detail on that later.  I do admit it bothers me a little to know that this movie is already having a sequel planned, and possibly multiple sequels, but hey, at least we got one solid movie.

Do I really have to summarize this movie? Probably not.  John C Reilly essentially plays Donkey Kong from the original game "Donkey Kong", and Kenneth from 30 Rock essentially plays Mario (come on, he's a handyman instead of a plumber).  I don't feel like explaining why this is good, because I'd be preaching to the choir.

There's a great scene with the support group for evil characters, and I heard Dr Wily was originally supposed to be in it.  But Capcom is getting bitchy lately with the creator of that franchise.  I don't really have a point here, just a fun fact.

I also hate Sarah Silverman, a lot.  Her career is built on being obnoxious.  There's a few bits right when she gets introduced and she's making fun of Ralph that I wanted to kill myself. I feel like the writers' grade school daughters wrote those jokes.  But for the most part she's fine. It's just those bits.

Oh, and King Candy is voiced by Alan Tudyk (Wash from Firefly). Amazingggg

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1. Moonrise Kingdom
Were you expecting something else?


This is not only what I consider to be the best movie of the year, but is also now one of my favorite movies ever.  It's a Wes Anderson flick.  He's the guy that made the Darjeeling Limited, The Fantastic Mr Fox, Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou, the Royal Tanenbaums, etc etc.  His movies are weird and quirky, and subtly hilarious.  And I think this is easily his best movie; and would even call it his masterpiece.

Bill Murray, Edward Norton, and Bruce Willis all play major characters.  

But the interesting thing about this movie is that while all of these actors play important characters in the movie, none of them play the two main characters.  The two main characters are played by completely unknown actors in their pre-teens, and they're the best in the movie.

It's all about the lives of several people in the 1960's who live on a small, isolated island.  The main character, Sam Shakusky, has been recently orphaned, and he runs away from camp, where Edward Norton is the tightly wound camp counselor.  A large part of the rest of the movie is the rest of the island trying to find the lost boy, and some related events.

Like most of his movies, it's also very yellow

Now here's the kicker.  I have nothing bad to say about this movie.  Seriously. I don't think that's ever been the case with any movie I've ever seen.  So I encourage you to go see it. Don't watch it drunk, and don't watch it in a large group full of noisy people.  It's probably a good movie to watch by yourself, but I would say this is best as a date movie, as it is a romantic comedy of sorts.
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Other movies I saw, in no particular order:

-Pirates: Band of Misfits was the new movie made by the Wallace and Gromit (Chicken run) people.  It was fairly solid.  David Tennant and Martin Freeman were hilarious, and it was well animated.  There were several problems with the story and certain character's motivations.  Also the 3rd act wasn't great.  This is probably my pick for the 12th best movie of the year.

-21 Jump Street wasn't bad, for a dumb comedy. I actually laughed quite a bit, and I honestly think Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill have some chemistry.  Probably my pick for 13th best honestly, right after Pirates.

-Men in Black 3 was okay I guess.  Not super memorable though.  I will say Josh Brolin was hilarious.

-I fucking hated the Amazing Spiderman. A lot.  It was better than Spiderman 3 I guess, but that's not hard. I'd be happy to go into detail later, but not now.  Dennis O'Leary was a fantastic Captain Stacy though, and needs his own spinoff movie.

-Prometheus was horse shit.

-GhostRider 2 was pretty fucking terrible, but there were actually some really fun parts to it.  Overall, not as bad as you'd think, assuming your expectations are already rock bottom.

-Brave made me deeply, deeply disappointed in Pixar.  It felt like Disney told the screenwriters to make a movie with a Disney princess that would be a strong female role model, and that was the only reason this movie was made.  it was just SO. FUCKING. BLAND.  Pixar is known for their imagination, so they decided to make the most cliched story ever.  Also, why the fuck did the girl bring the bear back with her at the end of the movie?  She clearly didn't need the bear's help to sew the tapestry back together, as she does that on her own, so why even bring the bear back?  It was just a contrived situation to make the entirety of the 3rd act happen, so that her dad will try and kill it and she'll have to stop him. And why didn't she just come back to the castle and explain to her dad that she cast a spell and that the bear is her mom?? I mean, that's basically what happens at the end of the movie.  There's no reason for any of this to happen.
Shit movie.

So yeah, that was my list. What do you agree on, what do you disagree on?  Feel free to disagree, as this is pretty much all completely subjective.